Schooling your kids about bullies - Off Duty, Military Health and Fitness - Air Force Times

Schooling your kids about bullies

For Dustin Floyd, school felt like death by a thousand cuts. From cafeteria sniping and hallway harassment to the roadside ambushes that left him limping home, Dustin had been a regular target for bullies since third grade, when his family moved to Torrance, Calif.

By the time he was a high school sophomore last year, the constant barrage — and his stepdad’s deployment to Iraq — left him feeling depressed and under siege. His grades were sinking, and he lost the few friends he had when he turned in his tuba and dropped out of band.

“Sometimes it was so bad, I just walked home crying,” says Dustin, now 17.

Facing brutal enemy tactics and a sophisticated new online front, every day, legions of kids are engaged in a similar battle that can be daunting, dangerous — and sometimes lethal.

Bullying is nothing new, but these days it’s more complicated — and often harsher — than ever, and it can be especially hard for military families, for two reasons:

• Military families move a lot, removing the established social networks that strengthen kids against bullies.

• One parent or both may be away often, leaving kids feeling worried and exposed — amplified by the prospect that the parent may never return.

Parents may not be able to do much to stop bullying, but there are plenty of ways to train kids to maneuver through the social minefield that bullies can create.

Like training for combat, bully-proofing your kids is about building their confidence, communication skills and trust.

Kids at risk

Studies show that about one in four U.S. school kids is regularly on the receiving end of a bully’s taunts. In addition to bruised bodies and egos, bullying can leave deep emotional scars, with victims nearly three times as likely to consider suicide, according to new research done in the wake of Phoebe Prince’s death in January.

Prince, a New Hampshire high school student who had recently arrived in the U.S. from Ireland, took her own life after a barrage of online bullying.

Stories such as Prince’s have left parents around the country searching for ways to mentally and physically up-armor their kids while giving them the emotional firepower to get through schoolyard skirmishes with confidence.

Indeed, face-to-face confrontations are old school these days, with bullies more easily taking potshots from afar using Facebook, MySpace and other social networking sites — even as administrators continue to struggle with hallway hassling.

Kids in military families can be particularly susceptible to bullying, says Nancy Beale, a high school psychologist at Fort Campbell, Ky., and the wife of an officer in the 101st Airborne Division.

Beale deals with at least one case of bullying every week. At middle and elementary schools, it’s even more frequent. And counselors know that what shows up on their radar screen is just a small part of the bigger picture.

While overt bullying seems to have dwindled in recent years, she says “there is a definite increase in bullying outside the school — especially on the Internet and with texting — and covert bully behaviors at school that are difficult for adults to observe.”

While many are stronger for it, the strains of military life can be confidence-sappers as well, she says, especially for kids new to military life or who have to move in the middle of a school year.

“Their heads are still spinning. Sometimes they don’t even know what state they’re in, and then we expect them to learn algebra,” she says.

And also to fit in, make friends and find their way.

Meanwhile, many military kids can count their parents’ combat deployments like so many birthday candles, each time forced to face the possibility that their dad or mom may not make it home alive.

That can lead to a vicious cycle.

A recent report from the American Academy of Pediatrics says bullying damages children’s ability to see themselves in a positive light.

“A teen whose self-esteem is shot may start to believe what the bully says is true, and begin to self-bully with thoughts of being weak, ugly, or worthless,” the report states. “This may lead to self-loathing or feeling hopeless.”

Easing the teasing

“Just walking away is a great technique, but it doesn’t work for everything,” Beale says. “Sometimes a line needs to get drawn in the sand.”

Some tactics to help your kids get ready:

Practice what you preach. Just helping kids figure out what to say when confronted by a bully can be a huge help. Role-playing a variety of likely scenarios with them can be a great way to get kids ready for what they might face, says Renee Lafata, a top psychologist for the Department of Defense Education Activity.

Get kids involved. “The more kids are involved in school and community, the more protected they are from bullying,” Beale says. When kids are more involved, teachers and staff are more likely to notice subtle problems as they arise.

A good defense. Most school districts have strict zero-tolerance policies on fighting. So even if they’re just defending themselves, kids can still get suspended or even expelled with that flying roundhouse they learn at the dojo. So if you’re thinking of enrolling your child in a martial-arts class for a confidence boost, look for a style that emphasizes subduing and evading opponents without all the punching and kicking, says former Marine Rick DeMile, who teaches bully-proofing classes at his mixed-martial-arts studio near Naval Base Kitsap, Wash. Wrestling, judo, jujitsu and tai chi are good options.

Know the enemy. Most bullies don’t have a self-esteem problem and often don’t fit the profile of a loner, loser thug. Bullies tend to have a large network of friends and strong leadership skills, according to the Health and Human Services Department’s “Stop Bullying Now!” website. “They often feel pretty good about themselves,” Beale says. “But there’s often something going on at home that doesn’t feel very good.”

Build situational awareness. It’s not uncommon for kids to keep problems with bullies to themselves, so getting to know your child’s friends and teachers is a must. But also make a point to connect with bus drivers, cafeteria workers — anyone who can help build your intelligence network.

Encourage boldness. In most schools, there are the bullies, the bullied — and the vast majority in between who let it all happen. If you don’t want your kids to get bullied, encourage them to jump in when they see it happening to others, Beale says. Aside from being the right thing to do, it’s an empowering feeling to help others — even if it’s just telling an adult anonymously. “If they see it, they should act on it,” she says.

Weapon of last resort

As a military parent, you may be tempted to pass along your own hands-on expertise to help level the playing field. But experts say hand-to-hand combat skills are not ideal techniques for kids to use in facing down bullies.

That was the dilemma Dustin Floyd’s stepdad faced. A Border Patrol agent and infantryman in the California Army National Guard, Sgt. Ed Gilest knew plenty of ways to inflict harm. When bullies started harassing his stepson, it felt like his hands were tied.

“I did my best to teach him a little self defense, but that just seemed to make it worse.”

Now all that’s changed.

Dustin’s parents say his life turned around last year within just a few weeks. The secret weapon: A martial arts-based bully-proofing class that they say has given their son the confidence to stave off bullies.

When things started to spiral out of control during Gilest’s deployment to Iraq in 2008, he suggested his wife take Dustin to the Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy near their California home.

“I wasn’t exactly thrilled about it at first,” Dustin says. “But by the end of the first lesson, I knew this was what I wanted to do.”

“The transformation was amazing,” Gilest says. “Within a month, his mom was telling me about how he was walking taller and that he was taking things head-on.”

When he returned from Iraq, Gilest began studying at the academy as well. “It’s been a great bonding experience for us and a lot of fun,” he says.

These days, Dustin’s grades are up, he’s enjoying life and planning on joining the Marine Corps when he graduates.

“It’s just completely different. I get along with just about everyone now,” he says.

And as his confidence has grown, the bullying seems to have diminished.

More than that, he says, he has stopped bullying himself.

“It’s more … than just better confidence,” he says. “I have learned to respect others — treat them the way I want to be treated. And now I respect myself more because of that.”

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