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Stressed by a double life

Gays in the military say they live two lives.

The degree to which they must hide depends largely on three factors: their age group, their rank and the type of unit in which they serve.

Any sense of acceptance can turn on a dime, however, if the wrong person finds out. And in the close-knit society of a military unit, the inability to confide in a friend is perhaps the greatest frustration for gays who wear the uniform — because the greatest fear is being caught.

“It’s frustrating that I can’t just say, I love my country, I’m serving my country, and I also love this person,” said a gay female Army lieutenant colonel. “I can’t do that. It’s entirely too risky.”

“I don’t really do anything social with people from my squadron,” said a gay Navy lieutenant commander based in San Diego who has lived with his partner for the past three years. “That kind of affects the job in a lot of ways. They just assume I kind of don’t want really to hang out with them. But it’s not particularly that. It’s that I don’t particularly want people over at my house, because I’m not going to hide my boyfriend.”

“I can do my job,” said a gay Navy commander-select, also based in San Diego, who has had a “husband” for nine years. “It’s just the additional stress, and the fact that I essentially have to lead a double life.

“It’s not easy, and that’s a concern as I get higher in rank,” he said. “I wear a ring, but I take it off before I go on board ship. … And I keep my non-shipboard life, my non-Navy life, completely separate. I don’t talk about it. I don’t invite … wardroom guys over to the house. I usually don’t go drinking with the guys.”

Even off-duty socializing — and even at spots that cater to homosexuals — can be risky for gays in uniform.

At a gay bar, said Brian Wiechowski, a retired S-3 Viking naval flight officer and Annapolis graduate, “I remember running into a girlfriend of another squadron mate. … And I had to play it down and [say] I have gay friends … But it clearly got back to her boyfriend. He didn’t say anything to me; he was a really … liberal kind of open-minded guy. But I was so scared because I was like, oh, is this the end? Am I going to be investigated now?”

Wiechowski left the Navy in 2005.

“It had to be very secretive,” said a gay retired Navy warrant officer and cryptologist who said she was investigated for homosexuality 17 times over her 23-year career. “So at the same time I was dating a guy … that was my cover.”

Fear of being caught can be psychologically debilitating, military gays say. But since admitting one’s homosexuality is a ticket out of the service, many say they fear seeking counseling to help overcome that fear.

“If you need help, and you’re suffering from something … to get that help in the military system, you have to lie,” said the gay female Army first sergeant, whose long-term partner recently broke off the relationship in a “Dear Jane” letter.

“I knew a lot of people who had significant psychological scarring from this whole thing,” said a gay Air Force captain in the intelligence field. “It does affect a lot of peoples’ ability to perform if they’re in a hostile environment or a threatening situation, or if they really are isolated.”

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