A look at some of our readers’ favorite jokes - Air Force News | News from Afghanistan & Iraq - Air Force Times

A look at some of our readers’ favorite jokes

So the pope, an airman, and Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower walk into a bar and … oh, sorry, you’ve heard that one before?

There’s no shortage of quips, cracks, gags and off-color anecdotes related to military service. Some circulate in slightly different forms, but the punch line is often the same — the other branches of the service are inferior to that of the joke-maker.

“I think one of the main reasons why there are so many military-related jokes is because of the friendly ‘competition’ we’ve had between the different branches of the military,” Lars Eirik of the Web site military-quotes.com wrote in an e-mail to Air Force Times. “I think that most of the … jokes are actually made by military personnel themselves as part of this ever-ongoing ‘battle.’”

Army Gen. David Petraeus, commander of U.S. Central Command, caused a bit of a stir July 30 when he made a joke at airmen’s expense at a Marine Corps dinner. (To watch Gen. Petraeus tell his joke, log on to www.airforcetimes.com/multimedia and perform a video keyword search for “Petraeus” or “joke.”)

He subsequently apologized privately to Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Norton Schwartz, and publicly in a letter to readers of Air Force Times. Whether Petraeus’ joke was offensive has been a matter of some debate. But perhaps the more important question is, was it funny?

Inspired by the Petraeus flap, we asked you to submit some of your favorite military humor. None of the branches was spared a ribbing in your almost two dozen responses. The following are a few of our favorites:

* Five retired military members from each of the branches are at the pearly gates, arguing over which branch is more distinguished. Finally, they ask St. Peter, who scratches his head and says he will ask God. St. Peter soon returns from the Lord with a handwritten letter: “All of the branches of the United States military are distinguished and serve their own unique purpose. There really is no way to judge which is best for they are all honorable, and filled with the best and brightest of America. So please, enter into heaven, knowing that you have all served your country with honor.

Signed, God Gen, USAF, Retired.”

* The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building.”

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

* Three men are using the latrine: an airman, a sailor, and a soldier. The airman finishes and washes his hands using a lot of soap and water, then dries using five paper towels. He says “In the Air Force, we’re taught to wash and dry thoroughly.” The sailor finishes and washes his hands using very little soap and water and dries with one paper towel. He says “In the Navy, we’re taught to conserve our resources.” The soldier finishes and walks out, saying, “In the Army, we just don’t pee on our hands.”

* There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord Air Force Base FB to Fort Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals.”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!” The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

* The four service chiefs are sitting around debating which service has the bravest troops.

The Army chief steps up, calls over a soldier and says, “Soldier, go take out that insurgent house by yourself.” The soldier salutes smartly, yells “Hooah!” and charges into the building, fighting bravely before being eventually overcome. The Army chief says, “See? That’s courage!”

The Marine Corps commandant stands up and says, “Hell, I’ll show you real courage.” He calls over a young Marine and says, “Marine, charge that terrorist camp by yourself and kill ‘em all!” The Marine salutes smartly, yells “Semper Fi!” and charges into the camp, fighting valiantly before eventually being overcome. The commandant says, “Now that’s courage!”

The Navy chief stands up and says, “Hell, I’ll give you some real courage! He calls over a young seaman and says, “Seaman, go swim out to sea in shark-infested waters by yourself and clear that underwater minefield!” The sailor salutes smartly, says “Aye, aye, sir!” and jumps into the water, bravely fighting off the sharks and attacking the mines until eventually being overcome. The Navy chief says, “Now there’s Navy courage!”

The Air Force chief smiles to his fellow service chiefs and quietly calls over a young airman. “Airman,” he says, “I want you to fly through those impenetrable air defenses over there and bomb that target.” The airman sees his mission into impending doom, looks at the chief, and says “Screw you, sir,” and walks away. The Air Force chief looks around at the table and says, “See? Now that’s courage!”

* Q: The Air Force calls them helicopters, the Army calls them choppers … what does the Marine Corps call them?

A: “UUNGHHH! UUNGHH!” (while pointing skyward).