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Senior military spouses offer lessons learned

Prolonged, continuous deployments and their effects on military families need to be seriously addressed in the coming year, said the wife of the Chief of Naval Operations, the wife of the Army chief of staff, and other senior spouses who participated in a panel discussion Nov. 18.

“It’s also long-term effects — we do not know the effects of these deployments on our children,” said Sheila Casey, wife of Army Chief of Staff Gen. George Casey, noting that little research has been done to date in that area.

“You do a study, and you are already there. The effects are already there,” she said during the panel, which was held at the Military Officers Association of America annual meeting.

“The Air Force is the newer service to commit to longer deployments,” said Bev Fraser, wife of Air Force Vice Chief of Staff Gen. William Fraser. “We’ve learned from our sister services, but we’ve learned it’s still difficult.”

One things the Air Force is beginning to see, she said, is that retention is not always a positive thing these days. For some, it’s about “being bitter because you have to stay in” due to the faltering economy and civilian job market.

One thing Casey said she hears everywhere she travels to talk to Army families is difficulty in getting access to medical and mental health care.

“Doctors are deployed, and staff levels are down. It’s hard to get appointments. And you have to get an appointment to get a referral,” she said.

The military has been working to get more mental health doctors in its network, she said, but there is a shortage of mental health providers nationwide.

The spouses discussed helping others avoid volunteer burnout. Casey said spouses are “stressed and stretched” in their work helping other Army families.

“After being at war for seven years, people need a break. You cannot continue to do and do and do. I see it in family readiness groups everywhere I go.”

Senior spouses need to learn how to transition from being “doers” to “mentors,” she said.

She tells spouses that if they try to do it all themselves, they are not passing along their knowledge to those who will follow them.

“We don’t do people any favors by keeping the knowledge to ourselves,” she said.

The group had a clear message for young military spouses: Even with the demands of military life, you can follow your own dreams — whether it’s having a career, furthering your education, or staying home with the children.

Casey went to work when her children started school. “I made a decision at that point that there was no way I could live my life through my husband,” said Casey, currently chief operating officer of The Hill, a newspaper that reports on Congress.

At the majority of their duty stations in their 38 years together, she was employed, she said.

Five of the eight spouses on the panel were teachers, including Ellen Roughead, wife of Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Gary Roughead, who chose to leave teaching and stay at home after her daughter was born.

Roughead said whatever path spouses choose, they should develop and maintain relationships to support them. She noted that when the senior spouses met — many for the first time — prior to the panel, it wasn’t 10 minutes before they were sharing helpful information with each other.

“The bond is because we all have a common denominator,” Rouhead said. “The service is a common denominator.”

Nina Sargent, wife of a Coast Guard lieutenant who attended the panel discussion, said it was encouraging for her to hear the insights of the senior spouses.

“The life of a military spouse can be not only rewarding as a family, but your career can be rewarding as well,” she said. “It’s exciting so many women have succeeded. It gets me excited for my future as a military spouse, and as a mother, and for my career.”

The spouses had more advice for those following in their footsteps:

* On job searching: Build networks and talk to those who have jobs. Pam Allen, wife of Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Thad Allen, who said she has gotten jobs through chatting with other people at parties and other social functions.

* On moving: When moving with families, keep in mind that different family members take different amounts of time to adjust to their new community, said Gail Kramlich, wife of Marine Lt. Gen. Richard Kramlich, director of the Marine Corps Staff.

BY the same token, she said, it’s important to “call a cease fire on the pity parties after a certain amount of time.”

Get involved in the community, she said, including the civilian community.

Don’t wait to have fun just because all the boxes aren’t unpacked, said Ellen Roughead. “Go to the beach, or whatever the area offers.”

* On reaching out to families: If you’re having trouble getting in touch with families, and are inhibited by the Privacy Act, go through the command, Roughead said. The command can make a phone call or mail a letter without the permission of the person when pertinent information needs to be passed along about their welfare or benefits.

Take the opportunity to mentor young families as you meet them, said Kathy Stone, wife of Lt. Gen. (Select) Douglas Stone, who will soon assume command of Marine Forces Reserve and Marine Forces North.

Keep the information and resources flowing, she said. “Let them know being independent is a good thing ... and being interdependent is a real strength. It’s not something that takes away from our independence.”

* On getting volunteers: The National Guard is pulling in retirees and parents of troops, said Paula Sumrall, a retired educator and National Volunteer Coordinator for the National Guard Bureau. She is the wife of Maj. Gen. Michael Sumrall, assistant to the chairman of the Joint Chiefs for National Guard matters.

Retirees and the parents “bring a wealth of knowledge and experience, and also have the time,” she said. “We’re proud of pulling parents in ... who might not otherwise have been involved in family programs.”