Military Video Games, computer games - Air Force Times

The cold shoulder

That cold breeze you feel is us throwing “Lost Planet: Extreme Condition” out the window.

The new third-person shooter from Capcom for the Xbox 360 draws a lot of fanboy love from the mainstream gaming press. These people also have Nintendo lunchboxes and update Wikipedia entries for old Commodore 64 games. Do not listen to them unless you want spend next week sending us e-mails with “WHY DID I EVER DOUBT YOU?” in the subject line.

Why all the hate? Identifying the root cause of suckage is difficult. We’re not even sure House could diagnose a treatment for this thing.

You star as loser kid Wayne, out to get revenge for the death of your father. You are on a snowy, frozen planet. You are battling space bugs.

It was a cool concept, at least. We were imagining something like the invasion of Hoth from “Empire Strikes Back” meets the bug killing of “Starship Troopers.” This is not that. This is more like when Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius fought the Abominable Snowman while fleeing the North Pole.

The game play is more than just sluggish, it’s just downright frozen. For gamers accustomed to the frenetic pacing of “Gears of War” or “Resistance: Fall of Man,” playing quickly becomes a nightmare of screaming at the television as Wayne bumbles and stumbles across the screen. (Capcom, where’s the run button? Even a child can imagine that a guy fighting ginormous bugs needs to be able to run the hell away.)

“Lost Planet” reminds us of 28.8 modems, molasses and the way your grandma drives. All slow. Like a fat kid on a Big Wheel.

While we’re complaining about this thing, why is the grappling hook feature so terrible? Why are the enemies so stupid? Why does the story start out so good and then digress so quickly to the opposite of good?

Capcom’s designers made a stunningly beautiful game, arguably the most eye-catching offering yet, especially when played in high-definition on a big ol’ flat-panel widescreen. If we could have stopped hating the trip long enough to enjoy the scenery, we might have given it more time.

For people who already bought "Lost Planet" (it was in the Military Times 2006 Gamer Guide, after all, as one to watch. Sorry, who knew?), you've probably tried some of the online multiplayer features and found the same high-definition mess as in the weak single-player campaign. The company promises an update on or near March 9 that eliminates many of these multiplayer bugs and fixes other problems they didn’t catch in testing.

No, they are not adding a run button.

“Lost Planet” retails for nearly $60. If you have that kind of money to waste, please put it into an envelope and send it to us directly. We will have it exchanged for dollar bills and then find someplace to put them.

Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. 2 stars. Xbox 360. $59.99. Rated “T” for Teen.