In ‘Transformers,’ the ’bots turn into cheese - Entertainment, Movies - Air Force Times

In ‘Transformers,’ the ’bots turn into cheese

A little bit of robot trash-talking goes a long way in the loud, long and silly “Transformers,” the big-screen version of the 1980s animated television series.

About the time the rumbling, 144-minute example of summer blockbuster excess has a robot character exclaim, “Is it fear or courage that compels you, fleshling?” before trying to stomp cute-as-a-button Shia LaBeouf, you’ll be rolling your eyes and checking your watch.

That’s not even mentioning all the trash-talking that goes on between chief robot good guy Optimus Prime and the head baddie, Megatron. Why alien robots would insult each other with what sound like lines from a pro wrestling pay-per-view special is never really explained.

Of course, you don’t go see a gargantuan summer blockbuster such as “Transformers” for plot and character development. You go to see cool stuff blow up. And on that level, “Transformers” delivers.

But after about 90 minutes of watching cool stuff blow up, all the explosions get tiresome. Once you see one police car or semi-truck transform into a missile-shooting, laser-spewing robot, you’ve pretty much got the concept.

Not helping matters is director Michael Bay’s frenetic style. At times, his camera swoops around so much and the editing is so rapid-fire, it’s hard to distinguish one robot from another.

Annoying, too, is Bay’s almost fetishistic need to show military personnel walking in slow motion across a tarmac. As in “Pearl Harbor,” “Armageddon” and “The Rock,” there’s plenty of those shots in “Transformers.” We get it, Michael. When you were a little boy, you wanted to be a pilot. Sheesh.

The thin plot revolves around the battle between ancient robot aliens the Autobots and the Decepticons. The Decepticons have targeted Earth for destruction for some vague reason that’s never really adequately explained. The Autobots — for even more vague reasons — want to stop them.

Nerdy teen Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) turns out to be the key to the Autobots’ defense of humanity. It seems his great-grandfather’s spectacles contain a map of the location of the All Spark, some sort of all-powerful device that will turn all of the Earth’s electronic devices into murderous robots. (We’re not making this up, really.)

So anyway, the Decepticons — which can transform into police cars, helicopters and jets — destroy half of Southern California in an attempt to kill the teen.

Along the way, we also meet soldiers (Tyrese Gibson and Josh Duhamel, both bland), a cranky defense secretary (Jon Voight, pouring on a Southern accent) and a loony top-secret agent (John Turturro, going way over the top).

The flesh-and-blood actors are merely afterthoughts, though. The stars are the robots, with names such as Barricade, Starscream and Bumblebee. If you’re a 12-year-old boy — or an overgrown version of one — you might think all the robots are cool. For everyone else, the reaction will be more likely a big yawn.

In the end, “Transformers” is a movie designed to sell toys, which are sure to flood retailers across the country as the movie hits multiplexes. The question is why would anyone sit through a 144-minute toy commercial?

2 stars. Rated PG-13 for some thematic elements, sexual material, a brief accident scene and language. Opens July 3.

James Ward writes for Gannett News Service.