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Film Review: ‘Drillbit Taylor,’ 2½ stars

When you think of bodyguards, you picture taciturn, heavily muscled men with dark glasses on large, brick-shaped heads.

What you would not think of is Owen Wilson — he of straw hair, wispy frame, slacker ’tude and nose that vies with Karl Malden’s for the title of most misshapen proboscis in film history.

In “Drillbit Taylor,” this incongruity, with Wilson pawning himself off as a bodyguard for a trio of supremely geeky high school freshmen being terrorized by two older bullies, is a gag that starts out thin and then loses more weight as it shambles along.

“Drillbit Taylor” was produced by Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen and written by Rogen and Kristofor Brown, with an additional story credit going to John Hughes of “Home Alone” fame, billed as — get this — Edmond Dantes. Could that guy be any more insufferable?

The film has its moments — hey, pasty white kids trying to rap is always funny — but they’re widely scattered, and the overall experience leaves the impression that buddies Rogen and Apatow, who scored twice in quick succession last year with “Knocked Up” and “Superbad,” may be running low on gas.

The story opens with best pals Wade (Nate Hartley) and Ryan (Troy Gentile) embarking on their first day of high school. The day starts inauspiciously when they show up at the bus stop wearing the same shirt; if there were any doubts that rail-thin Wade and chubby Ryan are uber-nerds, the matching shirts seal the deal.

Things only go downhill from there when another freshman dork, Hobbit-ish Emmit (David Dorfman) latches onto them like a leech, and all three become the new school year’s prime targets of senior bully Filkins (Alex Frost) and his hanger-on sidekick Ronnie (Josh Peck).

What’s a trio of helpless nerds to do? Post an Internet ad for a bodyguard, of course.

This leads to one of the film’s most amusing scenes, when the boys interview a series of potential employees, each more psychotic than the last.

Then in strolls Drillbit Taylor (Wilson, as laconic as ever), who tells the boys he’s a former Army Ranger and black ops/demolitions/martial arts/weapons expert who was prematurely discharged from the military for “unauthorized heroism.”

Sufficiently dazzled, the boys hire him and eagerly submit to his unorthodox training regimen. “It’s not all about martial arts,” he intones. “Sometimes, it’s about Mexican judo — as in judo know who you messin’ with!”

What the boys don’t know is he’s really a homeless man who lives in a ratty tent, bathes in the public shower at the beach and spends his days at an outdoor café with a bunch of equally scruffy losers, snarfing the half-eaten food left by paying patrons.

The film proceeds in fits and starts, as Drillbit goes from wanting to fleece these kids to growing a conscience and trying to fulfill his bodyguard duties.

This involves pawning himself off as a substitute teacher at the school, which proves absurdly easy. “You just walk around with a cup of coffee and act like you belong there!” he marvels.

In fact, his shtick is smooth enough to light the fire of a cute teacher (Apatow’s wife, Leslie Mann), who thinks Drillbit may be the guy to break her long streak of failed relationships with shiftless, no-account losers.

Or not.

And so it goes, in predictable fashion (yes, the bullies get what they deserve) with a few chuckle-worthy one-liners here and there, but certainly nothing to bust a gut over — though it helps that Hartley and Gentile serve up endearing performances.

Although “Drillbit Taylor” is a long cry from the inspired lunacy of “Superbad,” it will probably do OK with its natural demographic.

Unfortunately for Apatow and Rogen, 13- to 16-year-old boys do not compose a blockbuster-size slice of the octoplex mob.

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