Redefining 'success' in life can help you find happiness - Air Force Community, Air Force Spouse and Family Resources - Air Force Times

Redefining 'success' in life can help you find happiness

One common frustration of military spouses shows up in the form of the "green-eyed monster."

You hear that a civilian friend in your career field has reached a high position or certain salary level -- an achievement made possible by her steady, continuous climb up the ladder and assisted by a life without constant moves or the added stress of a spouse's deployments.

Many people define success by position, wealth or fame. In fact, just check the dictionary definition of success: "impressive achievement, especially the attainment of fame, wealth or power."

If we buy into that notion, it's easy to become jealous and suffer feelings of failure. Military spouses have achieved fame, wealth and power, but it's not that common.

After reading about a string of recent studies and events, we thought it was a good time to write about a new definition of success.

The first study was what we call the "friendship study." Conducted by Duke University, it's officially titled "Social Isolation in America." In the study, researchers found that one-quarter of Americans report they have nobody to talk to about "important matters." Another quarter has only one such close friend. In the 20 years since a previous study was done, the number of confidants of the average American has dropped from three to two.

We started making lists of the many deep friendships we enjoy, even those with friends spread around the world. These are people with whom we regularly have deep discussions -- even if many of those conversations are by telephone or e-mail to allow for different time zones and schedules.

We know this isn't that common among many of our civilian acquaintances.

We are convinced one reason TV shows like "Friends" and "Sex and the City" became so popular is that, for many people, the characters became surrogate "friends." We can't tell you how many women tell us that they have had no time to get together with friends since high school or college (or at least since their children were born).

"To me, tuning into 'Sex and the City' was like getting together with my girlfriends, only I didn't have to get dressed and go out," one woman said.

Deeper friendships

When we ask military spouses what gets them through challenging times, one of the top two answers is "my friends." We know from our own experience and from talking with thousands of military spouses over the years that deep friendships tend to occur more frequently in military life. Why?

Well, for one thing, you are often involved with a community during deeply challenging times like wartime deployments, where your experiences and your connections are more intense than normal. And when you are new to a place, without extended family and old friends around, you are forced to reach out and make connections just to get things done in life.

Another study, cited in the book "Money & Happiness: A Guide to Living the Good Life," by Laura Rowley, asked 1,400 women what they valued most in life. The top answers across the board were "my family, my faith, my health and my friends." Funny, but few people mention these in their definition of success.

The reality is that we each have to decide for ourselves what defines success in life. If we rate ourselves against someone else's definition, even if we succeed, it will be an empty success.

Here's one example of a different definition. We choose to see success in life as being able to live our lives to the fullest, learning constantly, growing personally and professionally, traveling the world, doing work that fulfills us and makes us feel as if we are making a difference in others' lives, involved in something greater than ourselves. We want a life with time for family, friends and our own soul-goal pursuits, a life full of variety and change.

What's your definition?

Another dictionary definition of success is "the achievement of something planned or attempted." Just make sure it's your own unique plan for life.

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Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are military spouses who have written articles and presented workshops based on their research and experience for more than 10 years. They are the authors of "Help! I'm a Military Spouse -- I Want a Life Too!" Send your questions and suggestions to marriedtomilitary@atpco .com.