Air Force Community, Air Force Spouse and Family Resources - Air Force Times

Making friends: where to start

During the question-and-answer period at a recent library event, Army spouse Shequita Gatlin asked us, "How do you make friends when you are new, other than knocking on doors and looking weird?"

The roomful of military spouses of all ages started sharing ideas: "Connect with the spouse club"; "Sign up for Army Family Team Building"; and "Attend the community's military spouse conference."

But to each of these ideas, Gatlin responded, "What is that?"

If you've been married to the military for a number of years, it's easy to forget how strange everything seemed when you were new to it. What if you don't even know what to ask to access available resources and contacts?

It's true that each base has a newcomer orientation program. But what if you don't know that? What if your spouse deploys before or just after you arrive at a new military community? Or your spouse is so inundated with new information that some of it simply slips by and never reaches you? Or you're a reserve or National Guard spouse far from a military installation?

Gatlin's question raises two issues.

First, how do you find out about the resources that are available to you? We've seen reports that service members tap into only 50 percent of the many benefits available to them. We expect that is true of military spouses, too. As we share resources with spouse groups worldwide, we find many aren't familiar with a lot of them.

At a recent gathering, for example, we mentioned the many great services available through www.militaryonesource.com. One spouse piped up with, "Yes, like you can get TurboTax software for free." Another one said, "What? I just paid for that."

There is a lot of information out there, and let's face it -- if you are dealing with a deployment, you might be hard-pressed to pick up a newspaper or attend a coffee group. This is where friends come in. Word of mouth is still one of the best ways to spread information. Tell your friends about resources you find useful.

That comes back to Gatlin's second issue: "How do you make friends?" Not only are friends sources for important information, research shows that they are essential to your happiness in life. For women, especially, friendships can help lower stress levels during challenging times.

On this particular evening, Gatlin demonstrated one great, and obvious, way to make new friends: Attend activities that interest you and talk with people. Don't limit yourself to activities on base. It's great to have a mix of friends, both military and civilian, to enrich your life.

Gatlin gained two friends through that evening's event because another spouse did reach out. After Gatlin stood up to ask her question, Army spouse Yuri Nardi gave Gatlin her phone number.

"Yuri, her friend Caren and I went out afterward," Gatlin told us, "and we've gotten together since."

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Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are military spouses who have written articles and presented workshops based on their research and experience for more than 10 years. Send your questions and suggestions to marriedtomilitary@atpco.com.