Air Force Community, Air Force Spouse and Family Resources - Air Force Times

You have to choose to beat deployment blues

Our last column, which focused on spouses who hide out at home while their service members are deployed, really struck a chord with readers.

One reader, who signed her e-mail "Recovering Lonely and Depressed Military Spouse," wrote to ask for a follow-up column.

"If you could do a follow-up to this column giving detailed suggestions, ... I would feel like there is some hope to this problem of isolation during deployments that so many of us suffer from," she wrote.

We have ideas to offer, but the key factor is you're the only one who can choose to make a change, to step out and engage in life, even during a deployment.

So how do you kick yourself in the butt when you are lonely and depressed and have no energy to do so?

When a spouse is deployed, we often see all the responsibilities - bills, meal planning, yardwork, laundry, house cleaning, child care needs - and we fall into inaction because it seems overwhelming. We take care of only basic needs such as feeding the children (and we eat what's left on their plates), we do only enough laundry to get a clean top (forget folding and putting things away) and maybe do enough minor cleaning to keep bugs away - and then we still end up pooped at the end of the day. That inaction drains us more, leaving us feeling exhausted.

You may not want to hear this, but your self-care needs to be a priority. This may sound selfish, scary or even offensive in the beginning, but as you take steps to take care of you, you'll begin to have energy for other demands.

You probably know this already. If you are like us, we knew we needed to put ourselves first, but we weren't giving ourselves the permission and support to do it.

Here are ways to motivate yourself to make proactive changes:

1. Write messages to yourself. Put these on Post-it notes all over the house. Hey, your spouse is deployed - no one else has to see them. Try things like "I deserve to take care of myself," or "I get energy from taking care of me first - only then can I take care of others."

2. Listen to motivational tapes. These taped affirmations about overcoming procrastination and being more positive start by talking you into relaxation. Kathie used tapes available through Effective Learning Systems, www .efflearn.com or (800) 966-5683. Others are available through Health Journeys, www.health journeys.com or (800) 800-8661.

3. Start a journal. When you spend so much time meeting the needs of others, you lose touch with an important relationship - with yourself. Start by writing a list of things you are grateful for. That list can change how you see and approach life. Journaling creates a dialogue with yourself. You can work through many issues by keeping a journal. It's much healthier than keeping things bottled up inside, running through your head over and over again.

4. Breathe. When we get into the habit of taking shallow breaths, we raise our anxiety level and deprive ourselves of needed energy. Take a yoga class or check out a video from the library to help you practice effective breathing. One method to try is Dr. Andrew Weil's "Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing" (available at www.soundstrue .com).

5. Connect with others. The spouses who have the toughest time are those who are isolated by circumstances and those who choose to isolate themselves (often because they are too shy to reach out). We'll have more ideas on this in our next column.

These techniques work for most of us most of the time. But there can be times when you need more help, times when you are clinically depressed. It's important to recognize these times and take advantage of available resources.

When those times occur, many military spouses are afraid to seek help, thinking it might hurt their spouses' careers. But confidential resources are available. You can do an anonymous self-assessment and find resources at www.militarymental health.org. You also can contact www.militaryonesource.com for six free confidential counseling sessions.

When you take care of yourself first, everyone wins.

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Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are military spouses who have written articles and presented workshops based on their research and experience for more than 10 years. Send your questions and suggestions to marriedtomilitary@atpco.com.