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Make extra effort to prevent child-custody confrontations

The stress of more than seven years of war has led to many military divorces — and many of these divorces involve children.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that the stressful times will pass when “it’s all over” — when your divorce or separation is final. If you have children, you’ll have a lifelong connection to your child’s other parent that extends beyond child support payments, even if your divorce or separation is “final.”

Many preventable post-divorce legal issues arise if the parents do not or cannot co-parent properly.

Let me begin by making a nonlegal point. Your children are watching and listening to what the two of you do and say to each other. While it may be extremely difficult, it is absolutely essential to remain civil with each other, at a minimum, in the presence of the children. Everything from the tone of your voice to your facial expressions and body language can trigger emotional turmoil for a child that could last a lifetime.

You should encourage, foster and facilitate parenting time with your children and their other parent in the proper setting, whether supervised, public or unrestricted. You should ensure any final agreement on custody or visitation takes into account not only the appropriate schedule today, but also the developmental needs of your children based on their age.

Be aware that the schedule may have to change over the years as the children get older and their needs change. For example, it’s unlikely that the same parenting schedule will work for both a toddler and a teenager with friends and extracurricular activities to juggle. If you can come to a general agreement now and have a road map for the future, you will likely prevent unnecessary litigation five, 10 or 15 years from now.

Communication is the key. The failure to communicate can lead to a severe breakdown in the relationship post-separation, as much as it likely led to the separation, which many of us realize too late. Don’t fear that your inability to communicate during your marriage will dictate your ability to communicate with respect to your children, however.

Children tend to become a new priority for parents when their access to them becomes limited, and the parent becomes more likely and willing to communicate about them. Consider your child’s other parent a business colleague and treat him just as you would someone in a business relationship. Keep the lines of communication open by checking with him and following through on promises.

Another way to prevent legal issues is to remember that visitation, or “parenting time,” is meant for your children, not for you — despite the fact that many parents see it the other way around.

You are visiting with the child not to help you cope or feel better, but because it’s in the best interest of your child. Accordingly, if your child is with you for only a weekend, but really would like to have some friends over on an occasional basis, allowing this may strengthen your bond with the child. Additionally, there are times when a child needs to have some alone time with you — meaning no siblings or significant others. Once all the adults realize and understand that visitation is about the child and not about the adults, many legal and practical conflicts go away.

Naturally, your children are going to be upset about their parents’ separation. The absence of emotion would be potential cause for concern. You have to assist and support them through the process by being present and enlisting the services of counselors or therapists, if necessary.

You should not rely on your children to assist and support you. It is critical that you find a support network separate from your children because — in order to care for your children — you must first care for yourself.

For more information on co-parenting, try this resource. For a psychologist’s perspective, visit here.

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The information in this column is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Readers are encouraged to seek the advice of an attorney or other professional when an opinion is needed.

Mathew B. Tully is a field artillery officer in the New York National Guard and a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He is also the founding partner of Tully Rinckey PLLC, a law firm with offices in Albany, N.Y., and Washington, D.C. E-mail questions to askthelawyer@militarytimes.com. View more “Ask the Lawyer” columns online by clicking here.