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Help is available for domestic abuse victims

If someone asked you for a definition of domestic violence, you might say it’s when one person in a romantic relationship physically abuses the partner.

That’s part of it, of course. But domestic violence covers a multitude of other actions affecting individuals of all sexual orientations, races, ages, education levels, income levels, cultures and genders. It can happen to anyone.

It can entail physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and financial abuse in any combination. It is, in most cases, very much a crime.

And in most cases, violence between partners is an ongoing occurrence that often increases in frequency and intensity over time.

Specific examples are as obvious as hitting and pushing, but subtler forms exist that can be equally devastating to victims and indirect victims — often children.

Other examples could involve controlling whom the victim sees, limiting where the victim goes and when, withholding money, issuing threats and intimidation, and name-calling.

Many victims advocates believe a cycle of violence kicks in with the incident of abuse itself, leading to a make-up afterward and ultimately a calm period.

I can’t count the number of times I have heard clients say, “I have to walk on eggshells when he/she ...” That feeling often affects the victim before an incident of abuse; the victim can sense the tension or anger building in the abuser.

After the abuse, the abuser may have various responses: apologies and promises that it will not happen again, denial that it ever happened or blaming the victim.

Victims must always remember: You are not to blame!

Lastly, in the post-incident calm, the abuser may live up to the promises for a period of time and may try to obtain forgiveness by buying gifts.

It’s never easy, but if you, or someone you know, are in what you believe — and in your heart probably know — is a relationship affected by domestic violence, you must get help.

Options include contacting the police, getting help from friends and family, finding a safe place, and getting medical and/or psychological aid.

You can also obtain an order of protection. In New York State, where I’m an attorney, our family court system allows victims to file a “Family Offense Petition” to try to obtain a protection order.

Check with your particular state to see if it has something similar. Also consider making a safety plan for yourself, laying out what you will do, whom you will call and where you will go if you find yourself being abused or feeling unsafe in the future.

Help is available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline number, (800) 799-SAFE, and it’s available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

More general information is available from the hotline Web site at http://www.ndvh.org. Other resources:

• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, http://www.ncadv.org.

• National Network to End Domestic Violence, http://www.nnedv.org.

• If you live in the U.S., contact the American Bar Association at http://www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html.

Resources are also available specific to gender, sexual orientation and culture. These include the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community, LAMBDA GLBT Community Services, and the National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence.

Again, if you are in an abusive relationship, please remember that you are not to blame for the actions of your abuser.

As someone who has been to war and come back to a family and stressful work situation, I understand what many people go through.

But violence is never the answer to these problems.

The information in this column is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Readers are encouraged to seek the advice of an attorney or other professional when an opinion is needed.

Mathew B. Tully Esq. is a field artillery officer in the New York National Guard and a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He is also the founding partner of Tully, Rinckey and Associates (http://www.fedattorney.com), a law firm in Albany, N.Y. E-mail your legal questions to askthelawyer@militarytimes.com. View more “Ask the Lawyer” columns online at http://www.marinecorpstimes.com/community/ask_lawyer.